Home

I think I've kinda figured out what this nagging anxiety within me really is. For the past couple of months, I've had this strange feeling of 'not belonging' that has left me restless and fidgety throughout the long days and the sleepless nights. I have no idea how it came to exist within me, but it has, and now that it has, it's stubborn about not leaving. I've been trying real hard to fit into this one life that I've been given, because let's face it, it's the only shot I've got at living. And yet, I can't seem to make this very disturbing feeling of being 'lost and hopeless' leave me at peace. I sit in my own bedroom, on my own bed, and yet I feel so forlorn...like I have somewhere else to be, like this is not where I belong. I struggle through each day, hoping the next will be more promising and yet the next day comes and goes without me feeling any better. I miss that familiar feeling of being 'home', being at peace with my own thoughts and with my surroundings. 

It seems like I don't even know where home is anymore, because there isn't a single place that gives me that sense of tranquility that I so badly need right now. I'm grappling my way through a long dark winding corridor right now, hoping there's light somewhere ahead....and and if and when I reachthat light, I hope that familiar feeling of being home will wash through my soul once again and wrap my whole being with its warm and comforting presence.

 

Darkness

Have you ever found yourself in a place you don't want to be in, you don't know how you reached, and you look around and wonder where exactly you took the wrong turn that brought you there? You want to retrace your way back and start the journey anew, but alas it's a one way road and the only steps you can take lead you further down that very road you're not comfortable walking on. What do you then? What do I do now? It happens to the best of us I hear, but the 'best of us' surely know a way to find their way out of this sticky situation, whereas I, the dimwit am only getting lost further in the darkness. I feel hopeless. I feel helpless as I find myself falling deeper into the crevices of holes I've dug for myself and I can't even scream out my fear. I feel helpless as an unknown, but real and physical, pain snowballs somewhere near my chest and it's all I can do from letting out the flood of tears I can't let anyone see. I feel helpless as the facade I've so carefully and painstakingly built is about to crumble and I'm once again about to see myself the way I really am. I feel helpless as I once again become the person I have been running away from all my life.