I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself.

I don’t have much to say today, but I just wanted to share this song with you. This song has been playing over and over again in my I-pod, in the car and in my head so I thought it deserves a place in my blog too; for this song does the perfect job of saying what I think I want to say now. Go ahead click on the link and give it a listen then.

And here are the lyrics below. Just felt like writing out the words:

"Another summer day
has come and gone away
In Paris or Rome...
but I wanna go home
...uhm Home
may be surrounded by
a million people I
still feel all alone
just wanna go home
I miss you, you know

And I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you,
Each one a line or two
I'm fine baby, how are you?
I would send them but I know that it's just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aeroplane, another sunny place,
I'm lucky I know
but I wanna go home
I got to go home

Let me go home

I'm just too far from where you are
I wanna come home


And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
And I know just why you could not come along with me
This was not your dream
but you always believed in me...

Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know

Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home

Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home"

Title credit: Maya Angelou

Home

I think I've kinda figured out what this nagging anxiety within me really is. For the past couple of months, I've had this strange feeling of 'not belonging' that has left me restless and fidgety throughout the long days and the sleepless nights. I have no idea how it came to exist within me, but it has, and now that it has, it's stubborn about not leaving. I've been trying real hard to fit into this one life that I've been given, because let's face it, it's the only shot I've got at living. And yet, I can't seem to make this very disturbing feeling of being 'lost and hopeless' leave me at peace. I sit in my own bedroom, on my own bed, and yet I feel so forlorn...like I have somewhere else to be, like this is not where I belong. I struggle through each day, hoping the next will be more promising and yet the next day comes and goes without me feeling any better. I miss that familiar feeling of being 'home', being at peace with my own thoughts and with my surroundings. 

It seems like I don't even know where home is anymore, because there isn't a single place that gives me that sense of tranquility that I so badly need right now. I'm grappling my way through a long dark winding corridor right now, hoping there's light somewhere ahead....and and if and when I reachthat light, I hope that familiar feeling of being home will wash through my soul once again and wrap my whole being with its warm and comforting presence.

 

Help?

I'm having one of those phases again; the kind of phase when I have so much going on inside me that it feels like my heart is being ripped out mercilessly by a force unseen while my mind is in shambles, dazed and confused and devoid of any understanding of why it's going through all this unnecessary angst. And unnecessary it is, truly. While everything in my life is supposedly in the places they are supposed to be, I'm not kidding you when I say I have no idea why I feel so tormented and torn all the time. And all this pent up anguish is not just in my mind. The pain is getting more and more real and physical everyday, and there are times when I would trade my soul just to have this unexplained heartache disappear. I have no clue how to deal with it, and the tears won't even come out even though I've been begging them to. At least they could well up from deep inside where the pain throbs the most, and maybe that could be the balm that's needed?

Well, here I am, rambling on and on in the hope that maybe all this venting will diminish this awful dark feeling I have swelling up to my throat right now, but it's only getting worse. And so I stop here now, hoping that someone, anyone, can point me in the direction of the sunlight that has been missing from my life for way too long now. Maybe someone can explain why I'm having to go through this awful phase now and again and how to get over it. Help, anyone?