Almost two months have gone by since my last post. If any of you have been wondering the cause for my unannounced hiatus (I know one pesky little girl is!) at a time when there’s such a big change happening in my life, I will tell you that reason today. Well, frankly, it’s all been so overwhelming I just didn’t know where to start. So much has been happening, so many thoughts whirl in my mind all day…my fingers itch to write it all down to share with you guys here, yet I cannot begin to pick out a coherent string of words from that whirlpool of thoughts to convey all I want to say about how I feel these days.
For example, right now, I don’t know whether I should start off by telling you about the wondrous natural beauty of Melbourne that mesmerized me the moment I laid eyes on it from the airplane, or if I should talk about its freezing cold welcome that made me miss the hot humid confines of my overpopulated city. I don’t know if I should talk about how the vastness of this city overwhelms me each day I step out of the house, or the fact that there is not one inch of the city that feels like home to me right now. Maybe I could write about how my soul fills with joy when I look out of the window at night and am able to see the sky spackled with hundreds of stars (Dhaka’s sky is usually not that clear, and even when it is, the unplanned tall buildings make it impossible to see the beautiful stars) or would you rather know about how that very same vision brings tears to my eyes because it makes me feel how very far away my family is right now? Some days I wake up feeling grateful to the Almighty for having given me this beautiful opportunity to explore my dreams, and some days I cry to Him because the uncertainty of the future terrifies me.
I, however, have recently learnt to appreciate things like having a warm bed to sleep in after walking around for 4 or 5 hours in the chilly wind, food to warm my soul when the world outside seems extremely cold and distant, and understanding smiles from family members that tell you they know you’re trying, and it’s not your fault that you haven’t yet found a stable job even after looking so thoroughly for a month. Every day, I feel blessed that at least we have some family members (Hubby’s, to be exact) in this new world, or else I’m very sure I would’ve slipped into the dark grip of my old ‘companion’ by now (I do find it trying to squeeze its ugly way in sometimes, but so far, I've fought it off quite well, with mugs of masala chai latte that instantly seem to claim the void where depression sets its eye).
So, yes, here I am, in the country where I've been dying to run off to for the past couple of years, and now that I am finally here, I am caught between flip sides that terrify me and excite me at the same time. And thus I have decided to do the only thing I can do right now...move forward, and hope things will fall into place soon. And with each passing day, I am moving forward….I just don’t know towards what, yet.